NSV - The Book - 006
Post Vasectomy Semen Testing -
a.k.a. ‘Making sure that Elvis has left the building!”
Vasectomy does not work immediately so you must use backup birth control until we do the test and declare your semen free of sperm. The top end of the vas, where it empties into the urethra, called the ampulla, can harbor holdout sperm in its nooks and crannies for weeks, and occasionally months. That’s why back-up birth control is essential until we do a semen check under the microscope and ensure that there are no sperm left in the ejaculate. We have a zero tolerance policy. That means no sperm, dead or alive.
We can do a test at 6 weeks. If it’s clear you can safely stop backup birth control but we like to do a double check at 12 weeks. Call me superstitious! I prefer to do the test at my office and give you the result on the spot. That eliminates the risk of a clerical error or a miscommunication from a garbled phone message or whatever. Sound far-fetched? Well a Victoria urologist was successfully sued for wrongful birth when a couple was told over the phone that the vasectomy had worked when in fact the test showed that it hadn’t.
You will need to call the office a few days ahead and book a date and time that’s convenient for you to bring in the semen sample within 4 hours of collection (not within an hour like the other labs require). You don’t need to run any red lights. This also gives us another chance to meet face to face and discuss any lingering concerns you may have about anything and to collect your prize for having successfully failed the test. I can’t tell you what the prize is. It’s a surprise.
If the test shows that you still have sperm we don’t rush in to do another vasectomy. We just stall for time. Most guys will “come clean” within another six weeks but the occasional “die-hard” will take longer; up to six months.
How you get the sample into the bottle, whether by masturbation, interrupted intercourse or emptied from a condom, is your business. Just spare me the gory details, make sure the top is screwed on tight and, if there's been any "spillage", please wash off the outside of the bottle.
A Failed Vasectomy: The persistence of any live sperm six months out from the vasectomy indicates that the little suckers have managed to “break on through to the other side”. In this practice, over twelve years and 15,000 vasectomies, that happens in one out of every 400 vasectomies. If this happens to you, remember: it’s your superhuman sperm, not my shaky hands or failing eyesight that’s responsible, so don’t expect a contribution to the college fund from me!
Even if you’re clear at 12 weeks, there is still a small chance of re-cannalization (a.k.a. failure) later down the road. I’ve seen it once in 15,000 cases. If you’re paranoid about it this for any reason, we can do another semen test at any time but it’s not considered necessary. It’s still about a thousand times safer than most of the other standard birth control methods out there. Remember, nothing in life is 100%, except death. (Not everybody pays taxes, y’know!)
ALL KIDDING ASIDE, YOU AND YOUR PARTNER NEED TO READ THIS BOOK CAREFULLY AND ENSURE THAT ALL YOUR QUESTIONS ARE ANSWERED BEFORE YOU HAVE A VASECTOMY.